Everytime I got out of treatment, I’d come back home a “brand new Lauryn” (on the outside), but still trying to adjust to my “new body,” and new habits on the inside. Everyone commented mostly on what I looked like, but very few asked about what I had learned, how I had grown or what was on my mind.
As I fought to shed my eating disorder cloak, I still felt very fuzzy and gray about “HOW TO” live without ED dominating my thoughts.
Even though I could go through the motions of eating mom’s spaghetti and checking off calorie amounts for my nutritionists, I was STILL obsessed with reading food labels, counting fat grams, working out, and thinking about my next meaI was present…but NOT present.
It was only a matter of time before, once more, ED fully crept back in, and I’d go back to treatment or the hospital.
On the verge of my 16th birthday here, I hit another low. Mom tube fed me at home every night as prescribed by my doctor to “put weight on me” and dad made me sign a contract that, in order to drive, I needed to weigh above 3 digits on the scale for safety. I cried myself to sleep most nights and prayed prayers for freedom that seemingly bounced off the ceiling. Would I ever be FREE?!