Every day we have choices of how we take care of ourselves…except when we DON’T have a choice. I felt compelled to follow (ED’s) rules.
I thought I was being healthy with my choices, but once I moved to Nashville—back on my own, things started to go south.
9 hours of class on Day 1 alone, had me in stressed-out tears at the end of the day—itching to go run on a treadmill, squat, lunge, pushup, and sit-up all my pent-up energy out.
Grad school hours & stress became a serious THREAT to my eating disorder: I had to play by other people’s schedules and rules—not ED’s.
My solution? Wake up at 4:00 am to make it to the gym by 5…bolt out by 7:45 am…swig down a whey protein shake + 10 carefully counted almonds on my way to class…
Doodle my workout plans, add up my calories and search Google for articles on “how to gain muscle fast,” “metabolism” and “constipation” (while PRETENDING to listen to lectures).
Run to the campus gym at lunch for a 12 -12:55 pm workout, then bolt back to class to eat my dry spinach salad, turkey patty and Crystal Light in the back.
Get out of class by 5:30 pm, & speed in traffic, back to the gym for another 2 to 3-hour session for whatever magazine workout I could find.
Then home to my apartment for dinner—another turkey patty, zucchini & Crystal Light—while studying Kinesiology & Foundations of Occupational Therapy, until I couldn’t hold my eyes open any longer.
Crash by 12:30 or 1, then wake up to do it all over again. Repeat.
And I continued to be 100% disconnected with how it felt, as my body dwindled away.
Chest pains. Stabbing stomach pains. Constipation. Bloating. Brain fog—all became “norms.”
Although I made friends, found a church and occasionally enjoyed country music…it was more a daze—not real life…The stares from others did NOT go unnoticed, nor did the comments from the homeless people I served on Saturday mornings asking ME: “Honey, do YOU eat?…
But my obsessive thoughts over food and fitness? I STILL could NOT get them to go away. They were so damn loud…”If you ask anything in My name, I will do it” (John 14:14)
God, can YOU PLEASE make it go AWAY!?!