“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”
-George Addair
What is holding you back from going for it?
From getting over it?
From taking that risk?
Applying for that job? Or quitting that job in order to do what you love?
Speaking your mind?
Leaving your eating disorder, drinking or sugar addiction behind?
Investing time and/or money into your personal growth?
Saying NO, instead of yes, all the time?
Fear.
Fear is one of those things in life that we can use in either a positive or negative way.
Positive, or healthy, fear for instance, could look like:
-Fear from the ‘wrath’ of your mother if you were to sneak a cookie cooling on the stovetop that she distinctly told you was ‘off limits’ (after all, you would or could spoil your dinner…and/or end up without dessert after dinner!)
-Fear of being unsafe if you were to walk on a dark street by yourself at night
-Fear of losing all your hard-earned savings if you were to invest it in lottery tickets, hoping to win a million dollars (chances are slim that return will come back your way)
-Fear over what my eating disorder was doing to my body and health (killing me), in order to finally get over it
Negative, or unhealthy, fear, on the other hand could look like:
-Fear of what could happen if you take the leap to follow your heart and start your dream business; instead choosing to stay ‘stuck’ feeling stuck in your 9-5 mundane desk job (while perusing the internet for inspiration in your yoga, fitness, counseling, non-profit, etc. dreams).
-Fear of changing a habit that has become a norm, a comfort, a ritual—out of fear of what could happen if you did something new
-Fear of rejection if you speak up…or dare to be ‘different’ (i.e. think back to middle school here people)
As you can see, fear can either hurt us, or help us, on our journey to thriving in our own lives.
Kelly is a perfect example of BOTH negative fear and positive fear.
In fact, she turned that negative fear into a positive fear after 10 years of battling an eating disorder that most people (including herself) believed that she would NEVER overcome.
I first met Kelly during my last and final stay in an eating disorder treatment center about five years ago.
We became fast friends, as our histories of that horrible disease were very similar.
Kelly’s eating disorder began around age 13, an impressionable time in any girl’s life when fitting in, attention from boys, and unforeseen changes from puberty begin to strike—all at once!
“I started to freak out,” Kelly said, reflecting on that time.
In order to control all the changes going on around her, she began running and shifting her focus to “healthy eating” as a means to control her weight and stunt her own development, quickly finding that it worked to positively affect her body image and calm her anxiety.
Game. Set. Match.
Before she knew it, her innocent diet and exercise plan took hold of her mind and began to impact her quality of life in more ways than one.
“Throughout my 10 -year struggle, my disorder mainly consisted of calorie restriction, food restriction, calorie counting, and over exercise. I was so limited in what I “could” eat and extremely ridged about the times of day I could eat and the ways I could eat certain things. My entire day revolved around when I could eat my minimal amount of foods and how I could eat the lowest amount of calories possible,” she said.
Adding, “I spent hours on websites memorizing and researching calories. When I did eat something “unsafe” I had to compensate by compulsively over exercising or taking laxatives. I was addicted to body checking- I would spend hours looking in the mirror and taking pictures of my body to reassure myself I was not gaining weight. I rarely interacted with people because it would interfere with my schedule and my food.”
Between the ages of 14-23, Kelly went in and out of a total of 14 different treatment centers, spending the majority of her teen and college-aged years being told how to eat, what to eat, when to eat, what to weigh, and coached up on how to think, act, believe and behave.
And, over those years, she said she became completely disconnected from who she really was (without the eating disorder) as well as what she really wanted in her life. The eating disorder kept her stuck in fear…it kept her stuck, that is, until she decided her 14th time inpatient that she was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I was miserable, but I was convinced that this was my life- there was no way I could change it or get well. I’ve seen and experienced it all- the good bad and the ugly. Ultimately, what I learned was that I had to decide to utilize the help and become an active participant in my recovery and treatment. No where was going to fix me, I couldn’t blame anyone else for my disorder, and I had to make a choice- did I want to continue living my life in and out of treatment until I died or did I want to move on?
At age 23, Kelly finally began to wake up to wanting more out of life than just getting by. And while the eating disorder had defined nearly over half of her life and identity…she decided to take the ‘risk’ of facing her fears head on…and doing something differently.
“I got to a point where I had literally lost everything. My eating disorder was no longer providing me the safety and comfort it had before. I was exhausted and knew I was at the point that I had two choices- recover or die. I’ve lost six friends to this horrible disease…I chose to recover. It required me to fully surrender and let go,” Kelly said.
I OFTEN coach clients that real recovery actually begins outside of treatment’s walls. And while Kelly spent several months both in-patient and in transitional living, Kelly truly began to find herself as she launched from treatment’s four-walls and determined to do things “differently” in her life than she had before:
- Viewing food as fuel and a nourishing experience
- Finding a new exercise and fitness routine to take care of herself (rather than be at war with herself)
- Tapping into her passions and her life purpose, and ‘going for it’
- Connecting with people for the first time—rather than hiding in isolation and comfort of her ED
- Finding something greater outside herself through her faith and spiritual journey
- Being honest—with herself and others; quitting the lies
- Throwing out the scale
These ‘new discoveries’ are similar to the concepts I guide others in recovery to finding for themselves.
More than eating pizza and ice cream, or doing more yoga and less running, or any of the other stereotypical treatment model approaches, the ability to connect with WHO you are outside ED, and WHAT your passions and goals are, is crucial to the process of breaking free.
When I first met Kelly during my last time in treatment, she was dead—dead on the inside (like many of us!).
Although she’s ALWAYS been a bubbly spirit, and one of the kindest, most genuine people you will ever meet, behind her smiles and kind eyes, was a girl that was dead inside and jaded from her years of being corralled in and out of treatment.
Today, she is a senior at Pepperdine University in Malibu studying Psychology. Through both her vocational and life’s work, she plans to continue to be an advocate and mentor for others working towards recovery.
What does thriving in life mean to her today?
To me, thriving means to be living my life according to me and my heart. Not living for others or being dictated by my eating disorder. It means going to school, having friends, having failures and learning from them as well as having triumphs! It means helping others, giving back, and more importantly giving to myself what for years I forbid myself from- a full, unrestricted life.
Hear more from Kelly in a recent interview she had about her recovery journey here.
What fear is holding you back from experiencing greatness in your own life?
From letting go of something that’s been holding on to you?
You don’t have to stay stuck, or in a rut, or do the same ol’ same ol’ forever. And, moreover, your past does not define you.
Stop settling, start living.