Remember being a kid when you thought anything and everything was possible?
If an adult asked you, “What do you want to be when your grow up?”
You answered with authority! (a firefighter, a policeman, a singer, someone famous!).
I want to be famous!
Climbing the tallest tree in the neighborhood? Let me at it!
Learning a new bike stunt? No fear!
A math lesson on learning how to tell time? Cool! I can finally learn how to read a clock!
You get the picture.
You let nothing get in your mind’s way of believing anything was possible!
Then something happened…more like the school of hard knocks happened.
You fell off your bike and skinned your knees on the concrete.
Someone told you that ‘it was hard work’ or nearly impossible to do what it is your mind wanted to do.
You found out math was not your brain’s strong suit.
Whatever the case may have been…there were some tough lessons learned along the way.
And a little voice in the back of your head entered your mind: ‘You can’t’…Or, ‘Never you’…Or, ‘It’s going to be hard’…and you believed it.
“I just want to feel good in my own skin. Really that’s it. I’ve never really had the confidence—inside or out. Even to go to the pool and feel comfortable in my swimsuit—I’m always the one with the t-shirt on. And, while I am ok with who I am…I am just so hard on myself.”—these words from someone I sat down with to chat ‘life’ this past week.
(#TheThoughtsOfManyPeople)
In other words: You are not alone.
The more we talked, the more this individual spoke aloud about ‘knowing what to do’ (to ‘eat healthier’, ‘workout more’, ‘follow a plan’), BUT something within her kept her from doing so.
(#SelfSabatoge)
The underlying answer? BELIEF.
Now the tables turn to you: What’s something that you wish was different in your life?
- A different job
- More work-life balance
- To stop battling your weight
- The ability to feel good in your own skin (Actually don a swimsuit in confidence? Or fill out that pair of jeans?)
- Less stress
- To stop obsessing over food, thinking about your next meal
- Just ‘get over’ your addiction or age-old struggle you’ve been fighting for years
- Wish people would stop stereotyping you or labeling you as XYZ (or that you would stop seeing yourself that way)
The list is endless.
For me, for as long as I could remember, I just didn’t want to have to struggle anymore.
After 14 years of the age-old battle, my eating disorder was my “Scarlet A”—it followed me everywhere I went.
No matter how much I tried to avoid it, I couldn’t.
Every day was a battle, and often, I’d pinch myself, asking, ‘Is this really my life?’”
Sigh…it was…and it had always been that way—at least as long as I could remember.
Try as I might, I couldn’t get over the fact that the daily lifestyle choices I made and identity I assumed included the following:
- My daily struggle with food—eating to nourish my body? What did that mean?!
- Counting calories and fat grams—I just couldn’t get it out of my head
- Looking in the mirror and not liking what I saw
- My daily exercise routine—6-7 hours per day, and at least 3 of those spent stepping my day away on a StairMaster
- Isolating myself from friends and family
- Trying to be positive, and optimistic, but feeling ‘beat down’ by that negative voice again that this is what my life had come to
- An inability to focus on other things that mattered—I couldn’t stop thinking about food, exercise and battling my struggle
While I tried my darned hardest to ‘go on about my days’, to forget about all these insecurities, I could not.
I was stuck.
In order to ‘overcome’, I half-heartedly sought out the help and advice of counselors, nutritionists, doctors, trainers—often encouraged by others to do so in the name of health. However, a little voice in the back of my head continually told me:
“Never. Not you. Maybe others…but never you (can recover).”
The bottom line?
I did NOT believe in myself.
Often times, the BIGGEST thing standing in the way of achieving our goals, ‘getting over’ a struggle, conquering an obstacle is…OURSELVES.
We can have ALL of the supports, and structures, and guides, and manuals, and how-tos in the world at our disposal, but, at the end of the day, if we first and foremost DO NOT BELIEVE in ourselves, then we’ve ALREADY LOST THE BATTLE.
Daily, I speak with people who want something different in their lives; they are ready for change—exciting change!
They want to:
- Find freedom from their own eating disorders
- Stop being the “girl who always battles her weight” or the “girl who always orders the salad, but never can lose body fat”
- Reverse the high-blood sugars, or poor cardiovascular health, or lingering diagnosis of Diabetes, or hormonal imbalance on its way
- Find joy in living their lives, rather than just ‘getting through the day’
And, more often than not, as we talk in session…they KNOW the answers…they understand some of the steps they need to take or the steps they want to take…
And, more often than not…there is a ‘little voice’, a little interjection that creeps in to the back of their minds:
Maybe it’s possible…BUT (BUT!!!!) I just don’t know…
YOU HAVE ALREADY LOST THE BATTLE if and when you doubt yourself.
For YEARS, I believed recovery was possible, freedom was possible for OTHERS…but me? Nope. Not me.
I assumed anorexia would be something I always struggled with.
The straw that broke the camel’s back?
When I began to BELIEVE in myself, AND GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY.
Instead of seeing myself as ‘meek little Lauryn’, I began to visualize and see myself as the healthy Lauryn I aspired to be; the recovered Lauryn—in body and in mind.
And, the more I began to assume the role of healthy Lauryn—(even if it was ‘faking it until I made it’ at first), the MORE my hopes began to become REALITIES.
Get out of your own way!
Believe in yourself that, no matter what you want, it IS possible.
That is the ONLY place where true recovery, true overcoming, true conquering and attaining those goals of yours are won (BIG or SMALL).
I leave you with this…this is a letter I wrote to myself on the brink of my recovery…launching from a year spent ‘finding myself’ again in a treatment process that, more than anything, was centered on the BELIEF that RECOVERY WAS POSSIBLE (change, something new, something different was possible). Here’s what I wrote to myself in my old blog journal (http://livingfortoday.blogspot.com), nearly five years ago to remind myself of where I was coming from…and where I wanted to be:
“Dearest Lauryn,
I am sorry you are having a hard day. Those are bound to come you know on this journey of recovery.
I want to challenge you though, whatever it is you are struggling with today, to dig deep and remember how far you’ve come.
You are no longer “poor little anorexic Lauryn”—an identity you felt like you had for years, and an identity you never wanted to be.
Remember, there is only one you in the world and that’s all you need to be—the best you that there is.
Never forget the places ED took you—deep, dark places.
You thought you were invincible, that training excessively and restricting your diet would help you, but it only hurt you.
Your heart, your kidneys, your liver, your bones suffered. Your relationships, your social life, your walk with the Lord, your education, your ability to be present, in the moment, suffered.
ED has one mission—to steal, kill and destroy you and all that is within you.
The more he can divert you from God’s purposes for your life—to spread joy, love, compassion, service to others, and use your talents—the more he keeps you stuck chasing your tail—unfulfilled.
Emptiness. ED gives you emptiness.
Don’t succumb to the lies that “training a little more is better or won’t hurt you right now”, or “eating a little less consecutively ain’t all that bad”.
Stick to your guns. You used to do 6-hours-per day. Never again. You can’t go back down that path. It led you nowhere.
And only if you are adequately nourishing your body can you maintain that movement.
Remember your goals—health and recovery.
Remember your story you want to share with other girls and the future practice you want to open to help girls recover.
You can recover. You will recover.
If you are really struggling, don’t forget to use your voice—reach out. Don’t be afraid of condemnation. That’s what your outpatient team is for, your family is for, your support system is for—to help you problem solve your way out of a mess.
Protect your recovery. Pray that God make it crystal clear—the direction He wants you to take. Lookout for yellow flags, and red flags, along the way that may be indicators of your struggle.
Don’t ignore the problem. Face it head on.
You’ve got this. You really do.
No more room for ED in your life. You have come way too far.
Love,
Lauryn”
The bottom line? Get out of your own way!